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Your Magnetic Personality
5th Factor of Achievement
Detachment is the skill of connecting with the adult within ourselves, to access our "personal magnetism".
Detachment is also known as the mythical "Midas Touch", a place where human beings can become magnets to success and fortune.
How To Stop Pushing Good Things Away
Magnetism is our natural state.
Unconscious humans operate in a Soap Opera, by taking on trials and tribulations that keep them in a mental state of anxiety and distress, altering their molecular structure to a heightened agitation, pushing away relationships instead of attracting, rarely connecting with this magical state.
Detachment is our path back to Magnetism, which is simply the ability to instantly dismantle undesirable reactions and responses to challenging situations and relationships.
Detachment is NOT Indifference, which is the ability to hide feelings and emotions in the face of adversity. Indifference is only one of the many unconscious responses human beings call upon, to deal with fearful situations.
Detachment helps us to not get "plugged in" by another's dominating or confronting demeanor. Detachment can see through the illusions of crisis to provide us with the opportunity to respond in a more calm and rational manner.
A small child would be excused for reacting to a stolen toy with a tantrum, whereas an adult would probably be institutionalized for the same behavior.
Giving Up Control
"Attachment" which describes the opposite characteristic of Detachment, is the need to be in control of the outcome of any situation.
This is understandable as human beings are only happy to the degree that they feel they are in charge of their own existence, but there is a vast difference between "taking charge" and "taking control", as it is here where domination or manipulation resides.
Meet the Ten Dominators.
Understanding how and why humans dominate and manipulate each other is the cornerstone of Detachment and the key to successful communication and relationships.
There are 10 Personality types that bear the characteristics that rob us of our Magnetism. As you read this extract, jot down the people in your life (including yourself!) who have these traits.
1. The Complainer
The ultimate victim, the world appears to be against this "Drama Queen" and you will often hear their sighs of defeat and blusters of blame. Complainers are the wounded warriors of the planet, never understood, used, rarely listened to, always broke and suffering from a variety of unexplainable illness. The Complainer is driven by dozens of negative emotions and so heavily into victim mentality that if they tripped on the sidewalk, they would probably blame the pavement.
2. The Joker
The perfect way to avoid an issue or bring the crowd's attention their way, the joker uses a variety of idiot techniques to dominate and manipulate the individual or group. You will recognize the joker for their smart remarks, ego ticklers and sarcastic jokes ("Hey! Just kidding heh heh!") which are often disguised messages designed to induce confusion or a negative emotional reaction. Jokers masterfully confuse their victims' response with hurt indignation ("Man you can't take a joke can you?").
3. The Ignorer
One of the most effective ways to rob another's self-worth is to totally ignore them and there are two kinds of ignorers!
The "Silent Ignorer" is the master of "Emotional Indifference" and could send another "to Coventry" or give the "Silent Treatment" simply by switching off communication. The more dramatic approach would be a face blackening sulk that could last for days if not weeks, years ... if not the rest of their life.
The "Motor Mouth" is another version of the Ignorer who seems unaware of, or alarmed by, "comfortable silences" in conversation to dominate with merciless bouts of talking. "Motor Mouths" have lost the ability to listen, being all consumed with the need to be heard.
4. The Martyr
The proverbial doormat, the Martyr is driven by the need to sacrifice their self for everybody else's benefit, but alas! it comes with a price tag. You will hear the Martyr Mother declare how she "Slaves over a hot stove" when she needs to gain her families co-operation. The Martyr Battler will tell you how they work long tedious hours in a miserable job to earn so little "But somebody has to pay the bills". Some martyrs give lavish gifts and excessive favors, because self-sacrifice is their access to manipulation through guilt tricking and conditional obligation.
5. The Charmer
Charmers are great sales people and chameleons, presenting themselves in a way their victim desires to communicate. Charm targets the ego making it an attractive tool for manipulation and control. One Charmer might use "cutesy" behavior to mimic the unthreatening behavior of a child. Another Charmer may be overly complimentary, smooth talking and calculatingly persuasive to achieve their aims. Sex and money and personal favors can be used to further the Charmers motives. Is it any wonder that con-artists use charm as their tool of trade.
6. The Disbeliever (Knocker)
Consumed with negative emotions like fear and suspicion the Disbeliever will roll their eyes and screw up their noses at anything! They are "Devil's Advocate" or "Leader of the Opposition" to tabled projects or ideas and Masters of "Incompetence Training" through constant criticism and negative feedback. The Disbeliever is quick to judge and condemn to control and manipulate and will take extraordinary measures to "expose" their victim.
7. The Fixer (The Rescuer Female)
The Fixer exists to save others from the fate of their own stupidity or incompetence. The Fixer/Rescuer sees another's problems or inefficiencies as an opportunity to give unsolicited advice, patronization, pity or just take over responsibility to further reduce a victims' power. The Fixer is recognized by their inability to delegate to others and an often frustrated or condescending style of communication.
8. The Competitor
The Competitor aspires to an internalized hierarchical system that places themselves and others on a rating of adequate to inadequate or right to wrong. The Competitor is an aspiring King or Queen of their own domain and will build their supremacy upon the failures or powerlessness of those around them. The Competitor must win at any cost and will ruthlessly counteract any threat to their perceived territory even if needing to be underhanded. The Competitor will tend to be condescending towards those perceived on a lower rung and adulating towards those perceived as superior and of course, they are ALWAYS right.
9. The Abuser (Bully)
Abusive domination is destructively aggressive and incorporates varying forms of verbal and physical abuse designed to demoralize, humiliate or instill fear. Abuse can range from subtle energy stealing such as name calling put downs (e.g. "you idiot!) to physical violence. The Abuser believes that they are the victim and that some outside influence "causes" them to react in their abusive fashion.
10. The Saboteur
The Saboteur is either threatened or jealous of the achievements of those around them, as they perceive the success of others as an indication of their own inadequacy. The Saboteur will use words or actions to sabotage the performance or self-esteem of their victim. The Saboteur will exchange or even start malicious gossip, using character assassination to obliterate their opponent. The Saboteur will use words like "Look I think it's a great idea but ..." or "Are you sure ...?" to instill uncertainty or fear into the mind of their victim and will not hesitate to withdraw love and support to achieve their aims.
If you found yourself shrinking from the discovery that you have one or more of these traits - relax ... welcome to the human race!
There is no such thing as one-way Domination!
In fact, all dominating attitudes are just a reactive response to another form of "perceived" domination, humiliation or control.
A "Magnetic" Personality is Free of Domination!
Detachment is the skill of recognizing what "appears" to be outer control and taking "Response-ability" for our reactions.
Taking responsibility is accomplished by recognizing and dismantling "Blame" to rule out any counteracting dominating response. Simply saying "I am responsible" when challenged with such reactions allows us to take charge immediately.
When recognizing a dominative reaction from another person in your life, instead of reacting in knee jerk fashion, pause and ask yourself:
- Could I have triggered their reaction through my own dominating actions and/or words (no blame - just observation)
- Could there be something occurring in the life of this person to activate this temporary or long term dominative response
- How could I respond now that would empower the relationship.
Question 1: What dominating characteristics do you use to rob yourself of excellent relationships?
Question 2: What dominating traits of others tend to "plug" you in? List their names, their traits and their conflicting realities. Using the Completion Exercises introduced in the First Factor of Achievement, identify where you learned these traits and in what situations are you most likely to experiencing unconscious feedback.
From This Day On!
Observation (not trying to fix the behavior or make it wrong) is the key to eliminating dominating characteristics, make it a new habit of your life to observe your own reactions and leave it to others to focus on theirs!
Let us now move to the Sixth Factor of Achievement: WILLPOWER